Just Forgive & Forget…and other myths of the Church

“Just forgive and forget! Quit dwelling on the past. Those things you’re thinking on have already been dealt with.”

My well-meaning and well-loved pastor said to me as I was driving to yet another doctor to help me get to the root of my panic.

I couldn’t understand why I was stuck in what I now know were emotional flashbacks.

Why I couldn’t stop the heart racing, vomit inducing anxiety that made me freeze every time I heard my mother’s voice.

Why no matter how much I forgave her, I could not get free of the torment.

And on top of that, now I felt shame for being stuck.

On the outside, I looked like a happy, energetic new mom.

On the inside, however, I was falling apart.

If I’ve forgiven, then why was I not free? The shame I felt about not being “over it” was suffocating.

The truth was- while my pastor was well-meaning in sharing what he knew, it wasn’t the complete picture. Forgiveness is both a biblical command AND an emotional process that must be worked out over time and with great care and intentionality.

I had forgiven my mother, but I had NOT walked through the process of healing my emotions from the damage that had been caused to me over those first 26 years of my young life.

I can’t explain just how important it is to get this: When there is TRUE forgiveness, there is also healing and restoration of emotions as we release the debt that is owed to us, and turn to God- the only one who can restore what was lost, stolen or broken. This is not a one-time event, but a process over time.

Forgetting, however, may not be possible. Our brains weren’t wired to forget in the sense that that statement implies: wiping a slate clean as if nothing had happened.

A better way to phrase that would be to reprocess the trauma in such a way that the sting, injury and harm is taken out of the memory, and only what is good, truthful and redemptive remains.

Ready to upgrade your experience?

Grab the Finding Freedom in Forgiveness workbook here